Misunderstood To Self Assured

If you feel that you're misunderstood, figure out how to change the communication so that others can understand you. Sometimes it’s a simple tweet and your communication is rockin.  Try new angles, new approaches.  Timing is important. Your emotions are important. How you phrase things…super important. All of these things combined, help you to communicate with other people and increase your confidence.

 Wisdom and Chocolate is a common sense approach to Mindset Development, Self Empowerment, and Happiness. The real transformation in life begins with Celebration….so grab your coffee and chocolate…It’s time to Celebrate You!

Highlights:

Communication Is The Responsibility Of The Speaker

Orange Has A Punch and So Do You

Understand You First

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Transcript

Bets Danko: 0:03

It's time to combine a guilty little pleasure with a new healthy habit. Kick up your feet and listen in. This is Wisdom & Chocolate. Hello, hello, this is Bets Danko and you are listening to, and perhaps watching, Wisdom & Chocolate. So, today I'm going to be talking about being misunderstood and what that looks like, how that plays out in your life, and on top of that, how to go from misunderstood to self assured, because really, when we're talking about being misunderstood, we're saying that somebody we are trying to talk to is not hearing us, they're choosing to do that, or they're just not understanding where we're coming from, and sometimes that second one is something you just really can't do much about. Some people have viewpoints that make it difficult for them to see things in a different light, and in fact, I know that we're experiencing this on a grand level, all across the world where we've got one group of people who is very much against another group of people, and this could be any group, by the way, I'm not pinpointing anyone, but they can be very, very much against the other group to the point that they will not stop and listen to the other group's viewpoints, no matter what it is. They can be talking about the best hamburger in Southern California, and it doesn't matter because, for whatever reason, they've got a different viewpoint on something, something that means a lot to the other group, so they won't listen at all. So it's happening on a grand level like that, but it also happens in everyday life, and just general communication from person to person. And I know that I have experienced this, where people just don't understand me at all, and they come up with narratives that help to advance their understanding, these are things that we run into from time to time, just being a human on this earth. There's always something that somebody else wants, that we are affected by, and they are affected by, and can lead to a lack of communication. So today, we're going to be talking about being misunderstood, but we're also, in the midst of that, going to talk about how to handle those situations, when people just don't want to hear your point of view. So communication, it is said, and I agree with this, is the responsibility of the person who's sharing the story. If you are communicating, you feel like you're communicating, and the person on the other end of the communication does not understand, rather than getting angry with them, because like,"why are you listening" or whatever the thing is, pause for a moment and figure out what you could say differently, so that they understand you. This is very important, because if it's your responsibility to get the point across, and they're not hearing you, then it's your responsibility to change the words and change the delivery, so that they do hear and understand you. It's just plain simple communication, it's like a law of communication, right? It's up to you. If it's your responsibility to get the point across, it's your responsibility to figure out how to do that. Sometimes it's as simple as tweaking the words, using different words so that they can understand you. Maybe you're using words that are too complex, maybe you're using words that are specific to your job situation or environment, that somebody who isn't in that environment can't understand, they're not used to those terms. So, dumbing it down, if you will, or simplifying the language, or making it more accessible to the average human being, that's a great way to start with trying to communicate with somebody. Another thing is your body language. You can be using words that are very kind, but on your face you look like you're just really annoyed with them. And what happens when you're faced with that kind of situation? You shut down. You don't want to listen to the person who seems to be annoyed with you, right? So changing your body language, relaxing your body, putting a little more kindness in your eyes, can actually help to get somebody to understand you. If you're in a, what should be a loving relationship right now, but you're having a difficult time communicating with this other person, maybe look at what you might appear to be expressing on your face, or in your shoulders, or in your body. If you're using loving words, but your body is saying "what the...?" Then they're not going to pay attention, they're just simply not going to understand where you're coming from, they're not going to value what it is that you're saying. Instead, they're going to be going, I don't want to deal with this, and even if those aren't the words on the inside, that's exactly what starts happening, they shut down, they do not listen. Another thing that could be happening is maybe it's a timing issue. Sometimes people are very accepting of a viewpoint at one point, and then, you know, an hour later, or a day or two days later, they are no longer accepting of that. Choose your times wisely. If you are trying to get a loving point across, but you've just completely yelled at the person because they left a spoon covered in peanut butter on the counter, or something like that, then, you know, going at them with this loving conversation may not fly, they may be angry that you yelled at them about that peanut butter spoon. You see what I'm saying? Timing is golden, when you choose to speak is important. Make sure that when you choose to speak, it's an a moment that they will most likely listen and hear you. It can also be a situation where they really don't feel that what you're saying is valid. It could really be as simple as that. And so take a moment. Is it true that what you're saying is valid, or are you reacting in a way that's fueled by emotion? Are you speaking in an emotion-filled moment of your life that leads you to say things that don't make sense, and really don't apply to the situation. Maybe you're frustrated because of something at work, but you come home and you yell because somebody's got their feet on the table. Instead of going, hey, hey, get those feet off the table, right? Instead, you're like, "What are you doing!?" Right? Nobody's gonna listen to you. They may put their feet down, but they will shut down from you for the next several hours. You follow what I'm saying? Timing is important, your emotions are important, how you phrase things, super important. All of these things combined, help you to communicate with other people. If you feel that you're misunderstood, figure out how to change the communication so that they understand you. So I'm sure that you're noticing my voice is a little funky. It's that time of year where the allergies are just, just hit, smacking me. They really are. And I never had allergies when I was younger. I moved to Western PA, and progressively every year my allergies get worse and worse. And I'm learning to rise to the challenge and figure out natural ways to take care of things but hasn't slowed down my curiosity with healthy chocolate. That's my segue into the Chocolate moment of today. I'm sure that if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I'm not so fond of chocolate-covered fruit. It's not my thing. Like, you know, if you've got a really lovely dark chocolate that you've just shoved a bunch of blueberries in, the possibility of me not enjoying that not liking that, pretty high, pretty high. But every once in a while, I get surprised. Every once in a while there is a chocolate that makes me go oh, so the other people, they didn't do it right, these guys got it right. And this is one of those chocolates today, because, trust me, if you present me with a chocolate-covered orange peel, the possibility me going "no" before I even try it is like so high, it, that, that possibility is almost 100%, like I normally will not even go there, but I ended up trying this chocolate, dark chocolate, non-GMO, no wheat, just super super smooth, really yummy. It's from a company called Peregino or Pero Gino? I don't know how to pronounce that. Orange jello dark chocolate with orange nuggets. Now this is from Italy, and they got it right, they got this chocolate right, so smooth. The orange flavor was just enough, and it didn't taste like, you know, orange peel, they'd been left out in the sun for three weeks, it tasted like orange in the middle of smooth chocolate, it was so good, like they got it so right, they understood how to communicate the beauty of orange and dark chocolate mixed together, they took the time, they took out all the emotion, they use the right words, they waited for the perfect moment, like they got the communication spot on. This is a really, really good chocolate, and I definitely recommend it. Now, the orange in this has a punch to it, and orange in nature, if it's a flavorful orange, which I think my favorite is a blood orange, but the punch is so important. It's so, so vitally important, and that's part of the chocolate problem. A lot of times the chocolate is where the emphasis is, they throw in the orange and they forget the punch, but this, this was really good, and the same goes for communication. You can be communicating, hoping to be understood, but you forget the punch, you forget the value of all the flavors of what it is that you're saying. When you are communicating, don't just have the one point, allow yourself to express that point, do you see, I'm like, I'm using my body to express my point, right? I also am using facial expression, I'm showing you my emotion, I'm showing you my dedication to what it is that I'm saying, I'm using many different methods for communication, so that I have a better chance of being understood, that's the punch. I don't allow any of my flavors to sort of blend in, I don't leave them out in the sun for three weeks, and then put them all dry in the middle of my point. I exercise all of the little elements of who I am, and I use those elements in communication, and I suggest that you do the same. Don't just focus on the one thing that you're trying to communicate, use the good side of your humanity, use the emotion and the beauty of who you are inside, and when you are communicating, recognize this as a two way street, you're giving the information and they are to accept the information, and so, therefore, there is a relationship in that moment, and that relationship needs to be valued, and when you value the relationship, you are more likely to be heard. So here we are at the Celebration moment, which means we're at the end of the podcast for those of you who are sort of new to this, and I want to emphasize a little bit about communication in this day and age. Now, a lot of communication is done on texting, and Snapchats and you know, some emails and all of that kind of thing, which is basically taken the personal element out of communication, so I want to challenge you with something. I believe that there's a lost art in communication, I believe that we have taken ourselves out of the equation, and have decided to lean on words and emojis in a way that lessens who we are as people. If you are taking out all the layers and you're not allowing the punch of who you are to be involved, and you're hoping that an emoji will sort of sum it up, then you're missing some opportunity and you're devaluing the message that you have. So my challenge is this, spend a little bit more time without that phone in your hand. Spend a little bit more time looking into the eyes of the people you're communicating with. If you must communicate on a phone with the texting or whatever, try to do a zoom, try to do a call where you can be face to face with one another. Make it an opportunity for deeper understanding and communication instead of stifling yourself, hoping that you're catching them with your words and emojis at a good moment. See, part of the problem is in communication you need to you be able to move with the waves, right? You are communicating and adjusting based on what the look is on the face of the person you're talking to. The look in their eyes dictates how you are going to change what you say, the body language tells you,"hey, what you just said wasn't cool," and you adapt inside the conversation so that you can negotiate their emotions and their issues and their questions, and, and all of that kind of thing in order to get your point across. You see, that can't happen. If all you're doing is texting and emailing. It's not to say that there aren't appropriate moments to do that. Yes, texting and emailing definitely have their place, absolutely. I do it all the time. But if you need to get something done, get on a call, have them face to face on Zoom, invite them to dinner, invite them to coffee, invite them to take a walk with you during lunch, give them the opportunity to express to you what they need through their facial expressions, their body language, their words, you can hear the tone of what they're saying, allow them the opportunity to communicate with you, so that you can be understood, and this awesome thing will happen when when this starts to work for you, and that is that you become more self-assured when you recognize people are hearing you. One of the problems, I believe, with society today is there are too many people who feel misunderstood, too many people who feel that nobody is listening to them, too many people who feel isolated, alone, they feel as though nobody could ever, ever understand the pain that they're in. Well, what happens when you get face to face with somebody and you start talking to them, you get more self-assured because people are listening to you, you get more self-assured because you recognize that you can change the color of what it is that you're saying or, or the the energy of what it is that you're bringing forth, just by simply listening to what their language is telling you. When you change the way you communicate, you feel stronger about your own thoughts, and it's very well known that, if you want to fully understand something, teach it to somebody else. That's the way to do it. When you teach somebody else and they understand what it is you're talking about, you have mastered the subject. If you don't teach it, there is a part of you that doesn't completely understand all the little intricacies, so you start recognizing, gosh, I know a lot, I feel very good about my ability to train and teach people, I feel really great about being heard and understood. And then what happens, you want to do it more. When you're self-assured, you feel positive about yourself, and you wish to communicate more, it feeds your want for human interaction. Now you could say well, wait a minute, I have been in situations where people are just real jerks, and they want nothing to do with communication, and I'm trying to communicate and all they're doing is putting up roadblocks. Yep, there are those people, you can't change those people, you can only change yourself. So you can color your words differently, you can change the approach, you can melt down your emotions a little bit more, tone down the punch in what what it is that you're trying to express. You can do all sorts of things, if they're still not willing to listen to you, walk away with respect, yelling at them and saying "screw you" and, you know, turning on a dime, that does absolutely nothing, in fact, the next time you need to communicate with them again, they'll probably shut down before you even try to talk. So walk away, smile, respect the fact that they're on their own life mission, and they may be a few steps behind you in communication. That's okay, maybe you were that way a month ago, a year ago, that's okay. Allow them to evolve at their own pace, and walk away. You'll know when it's time to stop trying, and listen to that, because your self worth, your value of yourself, is very important, and at some point, you can hope that they will come around, they will get to the point where they start valuing themselves enough to communicate with you, and if there's some sort of underlying hate going on, pity them because hate is very stifling, hate does not serve anyone, hate makes it so that you cannot hear, and you will not hear, and therefore you will not communicate, and therefore, you will not be self assured. It's like this ugly little spiral that they have caught themselves in, don't allow yourself to spiral that way, right? It's time for you to be self-assured. Misunderstood? Yeah, okay, that's alright, try to figure out how to communicate so that you're understood, and if you still feel misunderstood, look at yourself. What are you not doing in communicating with yourself? How do you find that self-assuredness? Well, become your own cheerleader is the first thing. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that being your own cheerleader is essential for a strong self esteem. Saying yourself, you've got this, you're gonna do it, you're gonna make it, just keep going, like, you know, that kind of a cheerleader, telling yourself, you have value, this is so important, and if you can do that, or when you can do that, that self-assuredness will become stronger, and then you will recognize your ability to communicate, becoming stronger. So with that, thank you so much for joining me here today. Make sure that you try that Peregino orange jello, dark chocolate with orange nuggets, because trust me, if you are looking for just the right blend in in dark chocolate orange, that's the way to go, and while you are communicating with people, recognize the punch, and if thinking of that chocolate helps you to remember the punch, then so be it, that would be fabulous. Just remember that all parts of you, all parts of you are vital and essential in communication, so allow the punch of your personality and the beauty of who you are to show in every way while you're communicating. I am determined to increase self-awareness and help people to really value what it is that is special about who they are and what they can bring to the world, and with that in mind, I designed this fabulous program called Celebrate You to help you slow down and pay attention to what's going on in your life so that you can find value at every turn, and to design a life that is more fulfilling. So do a little extra. Start Celebrating You. By checking out Celebrate You on BetsDanko.Com and signing up today. Experience the Wisdom that helps to Motivate and Empower you in relationships, business, family and most importantly, self-celebration. Getting the picture? It's Wisdom and it's all about you. Want to hear the Chocolate? Tune into Wisdom & Chocolate weekly.